Where to go...What to do...

With my 30th birthday rapidly approaching and my questioning of life rapidly increasing, I just feel....

lost.

Ever experienced that?

When you start looking back at all that you have, or haven't, accomplished with your time...
When you start comparing your life to others' in your peer group or age range...
When you ponder, often, what on earth you should be doing with your life...
If you are headed in the right direction...
The wrong direction...
No direction...

Am I having a mid-life crisis of sorts?
Am I being too hard on myself?

All the questions one must consider from time to time.

Just yesterday I had an interview for an internship position that I was uber excited to pursue. It sounded, on paper, like the perfect position for me. I couldn't wait. But...now...I am hoping that I don't get it; that way I won't have to explain why I'll be turning it down.

Yup, I don't think I will take it, even if I get it. It would allow for me to get my own apartment in Albuquerque and spend six months working alongside resource planners for the region. But...it is an office job; a sedentary, sit-on-your-ass-in-front-of-a-computer-screen-for-eight-hours- type of job. I think I would be miserable. Plus, what was described on paper was not necessarily the position I would be agreeing to. My gut says no. I know I need to trust my gut.

Tomorrow I start training for a job I got offered with the Census Bureau. It's a short-term gig, maybe 12 weeks, as a Recruiting Assistant. It pays fairly well, and garners $.55 per mile (which around these parts could prove quite lucrative). But, if I go tomorrow and they tell me I have to work my ass off or walk through the darkness into the ghetto...I'll turn it down. (Can't risk running into the pimp again!)

I have several internship applications sitting around, awaiting their drafting or placement into an envelope for shipment. I want to fill them out, want to be accepted....but at the same time...I don't.

So what is happening here?

All that is on my mind these days is travel. I wanted to spend a luxurious weekend at a fancy spa for my birthday or travel down to Costa Rica for the week. All of these plans have been avoided and pushed to the side while I deal with schoolwork and general life. But it's all I think about...all I want to do right now.

Until I started donating my summers to Alaskan Parks, I took a yearly summer trip...wherever. I would literally just get into my truck with my camping gear in tow and...go. I had vague plans in my mind, but I mostly made it up as I went. No time restrictions, no reservations. No plans. Just the spirit of the road.

It allowed for ample time to myself. There is nothing like the open road. The feeling of absolute freedom...wow. Indescribable. Blasting the radio with the windows down, taking in the beauty that America has to offer....those times will forever be ingrained in my mind as...just irreplaceable and compelling.

Even in Alaska I was allowed substantial alone time. I had my own cabin, nestled in the woods a good distance from anyone. Like the scary neighbor who everyone fears, no one ever came to visit me or bothered me. It was great sometimes, lonely at others. My third summer, however, I was forced to share my space. I felt crowded. No good.

So maybe my resistance to commitment at the moment is that need, that desire, to be on the go again...to spend some time with only me and the country-side I encounter. To feel that freedom again and resist plans. To have no schedule, no schoolwork, no...nothing.

But I am also assessing life. I do it often; it's the introverted, think-things-through type that I am. I remember in my early 20's, comparing myself to my friends and feeling insignificant. The only problem: all of my friends were at least 10 years older than me. How could I compare.

But now I am roughly the age they were back then....and I still feel insignificant.

It's stupid, I know. Especially in my case. My life is so unique; it cannot be compared to anyone's that I have ever met. My circumstances are different...and therefore so is my life.

I need to realize this.

I thought that I wanted to be 'set' by the time I was 30; to know what I wanted to 'do' with my life. But maybe I don't. That's not me. I am extremely versatile, I love adventure and staying one place too long freaks me out. A typical 9-5 job wouldn't kill me, but it likely wouldn't bring out the best in me, either. I need something...different.

So, with yet another decade nearly behind me, perhaps it would behoove me to take some serious time to reassess what I really want out of life.

Maybe it is time for that trip on the Trans-Siberian Railroad, to Antarctica, or to Australia and New Zealand.

Maybe I should set off to Vegas on Saturday and let the wind catch my hair along the 18 hour journey.

Perhaps I should, rather than get too worried about what others think, just go with the flow and let life take me where it so desires. Honestly, when I've let fate (or whatever you like to call it) take over, things seem to work out the best. I have the most fun and enjoy my time. It's when I started planning too much that things...lose their excitment.

Have fun and enjoy my time...

In the end, that's all that matters.