A Time for Anger

I find humanity's interpretation of time to be rather interesting. Let's face it, it is a strange 'entity'. No one really ever knows what time it is; no one really knows when time began. So why do we place so much emphasis on it?

Americans, especially, are always in a rush, trying to beat the clock. There is never enough time in the day, time is money and time is of the essence. Hmmm.

My favorite, though, has always been New Year's Eve. We believe that a new year marks a new beginning. That not only will all of our woes suddenly disappear, but happiness and good luck will become us.

Goofy as it all is, I'm counting on 2009's conclusion--and 2010's arrival--to do just that.

I can't remember a year, in at least the last decade, that has been so...stricken by bad luck. From its onset to the current moment, it seems as though anything that can go wrong will, that any realizations I have are negative and that nothing wants to...cooperate.

It's been a year of deep thinking and realization. Lately I've just been angry.

I'm angry at people, at society, at the system. I'm mad that such things as 'group projects' exist in my classes. I'm tired of how crooked our political system is...not only nationally, but locally. That people won't fight for their rights annoys me. And that I allowed the Department of the Interior to use me not once, but THREE times, makes me grow increasingly angry at my own stupidity.

I don't even know where to begin....but, somewhat foolishly, I am hoping that the New Year and its cultural significance will come to the rescue. That I can start anew and wipe away the annoyances that have so plagued me this calendar year.

*There were all of those 'close calls', like my sister just barely escaping what would have been a horrific car accident and my mother and I barely missing (by about 15 minutes) an armed robbery at our local bank.

*The wrath of Tenasty and the seemingly endless pleas to the community; the trips to Austin; door-to-door petition signings; public speeches; press conferences. And don't forget the stress and sadness that accompanies. I don't know if there could be much worse news than that a coal plant is moving in next door...

A recent talk with my neighbor confirmed that her MS is no longer in remission, likely from the stress associated with our 'fight' to keep our neighborhood peaceful. Put simply, it is making a lot of people very sick.

*How about the job that I was sure to get? The one at a Visitor Center where I have [since] dedicated three summers...for free. I don't mind volunteering, and I am hoping that the experience will further benefit me in the future. But claiming that I didn't fill out my application the right way as an excuse to why I wasn't hired is...a bunch of bull. Someone, somewhere doesn't want me to work there. I don't know why and likely never will. But it is beyond obvious to me. To hear that other individuals volunteering at these localities and with these agencies for a shorter time period than I are receiving job offers only angers me more. Obviously, I can't blame them [the volunteers]. But I can't ever remember being used so blatantly and being hurt so deeply. Considering the stellar references and high praise that I have received from my managers, I can only assume that
A. My strong work ethic intimidates someone...and that someone won't allow for me to get a job
B. I am female, and women don't belong in Alaska (?)
C. Because I have a horrible back, I am being discriminated against. It has happened many times before, trust me...and it will likely happen again.

Sorry if I sound nuts, but countless hours thinking about it haven't rendered much more in terms of explanation. Plus, I warned you that I am angry. This issue...man, it makes me mad and just...makes me sad.

*We lost three family members this year. Two I met so long ago that I don't remember them. One was my last living grandparent.

*Further mess came with the roommate this past summer who, honestly, caused for unnecessary health issues. I was literally sick for weeks, and eating little, because her horrible attitude and dislike for me was so troubling. As much as I try not to let others influence me, she turned my summer into one of the worst that I can remember.

*And don't get me started on the group project that is due in a month. You know, the one that I have been bugging my 'team-mates' to start for over 5 weeks. Our leader has gone MIA, seriously. He disappeared into thin air several weeks back. If I ever teach, I will only assign group work out of revenge. If I live through this semester I will be quite pleased. Between the weirdo Harvard and MIT educated land-use managers who expect the unexpected out of us, to this group paper...I might flip.

But anger and annoyance isn't necessarily a bad thing for me. Anger gets me moving; I accomplish lots. And I get my own [harmless] revenge. I'm currently working on several applications for the summer. Yup--they include big oil companies. If the DOI doesn't appreciate my love for the environment and desire to preserve wild-Alaska, then I will put my education to different uses [or at least try]. I'm certainly no dummy. I was once ashamed to flaunt my past achievements, but don't care anymore. I was Valedictorian; I was Magna cum Laude; I'm a few classes away from an M.S.---don't tell me that I don't know how to fill out an application.

And my anger has led to all that we have accomplished as far as Tenasty goes. Well, not mine solely, but it didn't hurt. Never in my life did I think I would walk through town, door-to-door, talking with strangers and begging for their signatures. Never did I think I would make public speeches before hundreds of audience members, plus news media, cameras, lawyers and judges. I never expected to walk the halls of my State Capital Building with a dedicated meaning and purpose. It has all made me so much stronger. I couldn't have done it if I wasn't totally pissed.

It is all who you know and not what you know. That statement is amazingly accurate, and holds true to all aspects of life. If just one of us out here in the sticks had money to burn and just a little bit of influence, there wouldn't be a fight to fight. If I was great friends with just one 'big-wig' at a great company, I would have no trouble getting a job.

So....I am awaiting the arrival of the New Year. I am counting on time to heal my woes; to wipe away this year's damage. I don't mean to sound morbid and depressing, because I'm not. In all honesty, I look back at the year's events thus far and sometimes just smile. It is all a lesson, I am sure, but one that has exhausted my family and myself. Perhaps when the clock strikes midnight on December 31st I will feel the weight lift and laugh, knowing that time heals all wounds....